The Lord gives... and the Lord takes away...

I am sure my title hints as to what this post is about.

My beta for this transfer was Tue, May 1. I was 12 days past transfer (so around 17dpo). I hadn't really felt many symptoms that probably weren't from the progesterone (double) or the estrogen patches. I tested at 9 days past transfer and it was negative so I just knew that this wasn't the month. I just knew God needed our babies in Heaven more than we needed them with us.

Travis & I went to Lyndhurst to see Kathy and get my blood drawn. She said she'd call at noon. From 9am-12 was the LONGEST wait of my life-ever!!! I was a nervous wreck. We went to the movies to take our minds off of it. Ha! About 1:00 I noticed I had a voicemail. I went to the bathroom to listen. I was never so nervous in my entire life!!

Then I heard the words "Crystal, Im so so sorry but the test was negative". I just lost it. I sat on the floor of a PUBLIC BATHROOM, next to the toilet and cried like a baby. I cried good, and hard, for a good 30 min or so. I finally gained my composure and went back into the movies. We left and decided to not go home. Travis took me to dinner and we hung around.

We finally went home and it was so hard. It was hard to see the babies pictures and know they will never be.I put their pictures in a photo album, along with the ultrasound picture. I just cried and cried. God is holding them now. He knows if they were boys or girls, what their names would have been, what they would have looked like. Its funny think of what color hair they would have had, what color eyes. What they would have been when they grew up, or who they would have married. Would they have loved Bella, Vince and Oreo as much as we do? Would they wear glasses or need braces? I just sit and think of them, our babies, from time to time.

We had been through so much, and endured this for so so long, I just thought this was THE month. The time that God would finally say "Here, these are your babies to love forever". But He didn't. No, I am not blaming God, or anyone. This is no one's fault.

This is the hardest, but greatest experience we have ever been through. And we would go through it again, if the chance approaches. I know that God put those great people in our lives for a reason. That He had a reason for this and a reason to take them back to Heaven. I may never know the reason, but I know that it is good, bc its of God.

It will take time, but we know that with God by our side, we will have the best thing ever one day-a miracle that was sent to us, by Him.