Dear babies,

Thursday, April 19th was the very first time we ever got to see what you looked like. That was the very first time that we fell in love with you. The moment they put you two in my uterus was the moment that I knew, for those few days (until tests proved otherwise) I was pregnant. We knew what it was like to be parents-to-be. We wanted to do everything right, everything the drs said to do. Not to eat the wrong things, move the wrong way, or do the wrong stuff. Your  mother was very careful at work and didn't lift too much weight, didn't eat anything wrong, and just sat and talked to you daily. You were very much loved and cared for at even 6/7days old. People may think we are crazy for thinking of you as our babies so early on, but that is the closest we have ever bee to parents, in our lives. We enjoyed every moment, every shot, every patch, every itch from the patch, every bit of it!

Tuesday, May 1 was the supposed to be the best day of our life... it was supposed to be the day that we would learn in 9short months you would be making your appearance and we would be forever a family. Sadly, that is not how it happened. At 1:00 we got a phone call, THE call. The call that said "I'm sorry, but you're number was negative and you are not pregnant". That was the hardest day-ever. It was a very rough time. We will never know what you will look like, if you were boys or girls, if you would have had blonde hair or brown hair, what color eyes you would have. What would your names have been? Would have liked them? Would Bella and Vince love you just as much? Were we going to be good parents? We will never know the love of being parents, at least not now. God knew He needed you in Heaven more than we needed you here on earth. He knew that you were loved so much and by so many that you will be missed a lot.

Please know it was nothing that was done by you, or us, but that it was just something that happens. We will always love you and hold you in our hearts.

Mommy & Daddy...

The Lord gives... and the Lord takes away...

I am sure my title hints as to what this post is about.

My beta for this transfer was Tue, May 1. I was 12 days past transfer (so around 17dpo). I hadn't really felt many symptoms that probably weren't from the progesterone (double) or the estrogen patches. I tested at 9 days past transfer and it was negative so I just knew that this wasn't the month. I just knew God needed our babies in Heaven more than we needed them with us.

Travis & I went to Lyndhurst to see Kathy and get my blood drawn. She said she'd call at noon. From 9am-12 was the LONGEST wait of my life-ever!!! I was a nervous wreck. We went to the movies to take our minds off of it. Ha! About 1:00 I noticed I had a voicemail. I went to the bathroom to listen. I was never so nervous in my entire life!!

Then I heard the words "Crystal, Im so so sorry but the test was negative". I just lost it. I sat on the floor of a PUBLIC BATHROOM, next to the toilet and cried like a baby. I cried good, and hard, for a good 30 min or so. I finally gained my composure and went back into the movies. We left and decided to not go home. Travis took me to dinner and we hung around.

We finally went home and it was so hard. It was hard to see the babies pictures and know they will never be.I put their pictures in a photo album, along with the ultrasound picture. I just cried and cried. God is holding them now. He knows if they were boys or girls, what their names would have been, what they would have looked like. Its funny think of what color hair they would have had, what color eyes. What they would have been when they grew up, or who they would have married. Would they have loved Bella, Vince and Oreo as much as we do? Would they wear glasses or need braces? I just sit and think of them, our babies, from time to time.

We had been through so much, and endured this for so so long, I just thought this was THE month. The time that God would finally say "Here, these are your babies to love forever". But He didn't. No, I am not blaming God, or anyone. This is no one's fault.

This is the hardest, but greatest experience we have ever been through. And we would go through it again, if the chance approaches. I know that God put those great people in our lives for a reason. That He had a reason for this and a reason to take them back to Heaven. I may never know the reason, but I know that it is good, bc its of God.

It will take time, but we know that with God by our side, we will have the best thing ever one day-a miracle that was sent to us, by Him.

 

1dp5dt

1 day past 5 day transfer! (that's what my title means).

Transfer went good, babies looked great! I am feeling good, crampy but good.
Here is a pic of our babies

and here is a picture of where they put them (where I'm pointing to is where they put them)

praying for the next couple of weeks for a POSITIVE beta!!! I'm so excited for this great opportunity!!! (and so is Travis)

2 days!!

2 more days until the big day!! I am so excited. My excitement is way greater than my fear/nervousness! That's a great thing ;). God knows what he's doing!

Let me back up and start with last week.

April 11 I had a Dr appt to check my uterine lining. All looked great, 13mm, and so I started my PIO, doxycycline, and medrol that following Sat.

April 17 (today) I had an appt to check my estrogen and progesterone levels and they looked great! however, Dr Katz decided to start me on a new med... Crinone. It is a vaginal gel, but is also progesterone. Just to keep things looking great!

I also got the call to take my Valium at 10:30 on Thur and be at the first floor of the dr office for our transfer at 11:00. I'm praying so hard that our babies make it out of freeze. I'm a TAD nervous they wont, but am faithful that God knows what He's got going on ;)

Until then.....

1 week 3 days

Until my fet! I am getting very nervous but am very excited at the same time. I am hopeful that this works. I pray everyday for God to bless us, in His time. I know that there is no guarantee that this will work, but I have a feeling in my heart that it will :). God would not let us get this far for no reason!

Nothing really new. I started the estrogen patches about 2 weeks ago. I am up to 4 patches every other day now. I haven't had too bad of side effects from them. Tired and cold one min, hot the next. I am also starting to break out and get itchy from them. Ugh! ALL worth it though! I go Wed for my scan and if everything looks good (which I'm praying it will) then we are set for the transfer on April 19th :).

Next week I start Medrol (a pill that will help my body not reject the embryos), Doxycicline (antibiotic) and PIO (Progesterone shots in oil) 2 times a day. I will be doing all those along with my vit e, baby asprin, prenatal, glumetza, dh and the estrogen patches. i'm like a walking pharmacy!

Please be in prayer that God will answer our prayers, in His time. Like I said, I'm getting very nervous but at the same time I feel a peace about things, hard to understand.

What is a blastocyst? What is a Frozen Embryo Transfer?

Not our baby, but that is a picture of a day 6 blastocyst! We have got 2 of those, frozen and ready for use :)

A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is much like an IUI. The dr will put the embryos in a catheter and insert them directly into my uterus :). I lay on the table for about 30 min afterwards and then go home and do best rest for 2 FULL days!

Here is a pic of the FET I found online.

Medication protocol

So for our medication for this FET, I will need to be on estrogen patches (Vivelle) starting now until I think 12 weeks pregnant. I started them last night. I place one little patch on my tummy and change it every other day.

I started with one patch, then will move to 2 patches, then 3, then eventually 4 patches every other day! 6 days before April 19 I will start on Progesterone shots! Eick! Travis will do these in my bottom. Once in the morning and once in the evening until about 12 weeks pregnant as well.

I will be one medicated woman :)